There's Been A Change of Plans

There are many times in life when I’ve had to fully accept a notion and let it go at the same time. An ironic statement when you consider that we must allow an idea into our hearts just to release it moments later. Acceptance so one can release- a concept so easy to read, but so difficult to execute. It seems as if once an idea or ‘way of life’ has carved a nook into our hearts, we think of that residence as permanent- a home that cannot be moved. Do we as humans not travel? Live in different areas, apartments, houses, cities, countries? Why is it that the body can move with such ease from place to place, but the notions of life living in our hearts cannot?

I’ve recently realized a resident in my own heart that has since moved away- the idea of planning life. Life cannot be planned. Amidst meetings, conferences, plan times, and calendar dates, I’ve seen the destruction of a well-planned life. As a teacher, I needed to get certain chapters done by certain dates- it was planned, it was on my calendar! Did we get through the chapters? Absolutely. Did learning occur? Sure. However, if I had taken advantage of what was directly in front of me rather than focused on the dates directly ahead of me, life would have occurred, and isn’t that more relevant?

If Mondays are for meetings, Tuesdays are for duties, Wednesdays are for planning, Thursdays are for discussing, Fridays are for conferences, Saturdays are for gathering, and Sundays are for errands, what day is for life?

I’ve glanced at my calendar and my clock, and realize I’m not on track for my Narrative, and I am accepting of that because I’ve realized that’s why it’s called a deadline because with those, life cannot live.

A Year Ago Today

About a year ago today, I wrote in my diary (yes, I still keep a diary!), “It’s official, I am going to Africa. Everything is under way. I feel like I should be excited, but I am scared- like deeply frightened. The kind of fear where your ribs hug your lungs too tightly and you can’t get enough air.” And later, “What if this is the biggest mistake of my life? What if something happens? What if I get hurt? I just need to be fearless."

I can remember the “don’t-s” that others told me; the “Are you sure-s?” the “What about-s...” and “What if-s...” I can remember self-doubt, others adding cards to this deck and it doubling in size. I can remember the feeling, and I can remember it being nearly paralyzing. I can also remember realizing something else.

Fearless is not the absence of fear. Fearless is walking up to your trepidation, taking it by the hand and bringing it with you wherever you go. Fearless is not only the company of fear, but the welcome company of fear. When changes are coming or the unknown looms overhead, it is not only hope that we should bring with us, it is not only knowledge we should bring with us, it is fear. To face what can hold so many of us back, that is fearless. When fear is your best friend, that is fearless. When you stand on your tippy-toes to look fear in the eye and then laugh, you are fearless.

As lesson not yet fully digested as I entered the airport with my ribs choking my lungs again, but a lesson learned fully later because in all reality, we must face our fears, so we can make our fear...less.

And my last sentence from a year ago, which will never be old advice no matter how many years pass, “So I guess I’ll circle in all the hope that light brings in, but I’ll also keep in mind that darkness can bring good with it too.”

I’m out to go be fearless.