Life changes and what was once your constant suddenly becomes your past. After this shift- whether occurring quickly or slowly- we’re often left standing by ourselves with the sudden realization that the little things from that aspect of our life no longer require daily upkeeping. Rather they demand to be put away and thought of again only every once-in-a-while...to be a memory of “what was” and no longer a part of “what is.”
With these shifts into ‘what was,’ the past often becomes categorized. We take from the fond category to plaster a smile onto our faces; the nostalgic category to warm a cold heart any time; the happy category to push a hidden laugh from our soul. I am always amazed at the powerful influence of a memory- of our past.
For the past few months, I’ve been stuck in the betrayal memory category. There’s not much good about the betrayal category- often the smallest of memories located there are the heaviest we carry. This weight often greatly affects us and obviously tacks on so many other price tags. We are left feeling alone, with no where to go, waiting around for change. Its grips are tight and rob us of not only our present, but also our future. What a terrible trade-off: one bad memory in exchange for the many presently being made and those to be acquired later.
We wait for change to occur in the betrayal category because we feel like the victim. We feel helpless- whether betrayed by someone else or by ourselves. When you’re there, you are tricked into believing that time alone will clear up this memory. “Just wait. It will pass. Things will change. You won’t feel betrayed anymore.” Hours slip into days, days into weeks, weeks into months..and yet you’re still sitting down with betrayal right by your side...waiting...counting on time, for betrayal needs time as much as you do. The longer you believe in it, the longer betrayal has you for company.
The great thing about time, though? It really does work. You gain knowledge. You gain perspective. You gain the desire to place that memory into a new category- the broadest category- the category of “just the past.” It may be remembered, it may be forgotten, but one thing is for certain- it is no longer a memory that you choose to hold close to your heart. When it’s no longer close to your heart, you have the ability to take a few wobbly steps away from it, towards the present. The steps turn in a walk and eventually a run until you can look back and realize that it wasn’t the devil on your back that entire time, it was just your past holding your back. It wasn’t all of the heavy things you thought it was- it just was.
I can’t tell you the memory I decided to re-categorize; it wouldn’t be classy. But I can tell you this- the day I picked it up and said, “You are no longer welcome here” was the day life became living again. The removal of betrayal and the return of hope allows so much to occur. Hope is the lightest thing we will ever carry. It doesn’t make us delusional or ignorant. It doesn’t make us blindly optimistic. It makes us trust the unknown that is life. It makes us believe that because of where we are today, we can handle what will come tomorrow. It makes us human.
