A Rolling Stones Classic

When I excitedly express that I am taking the leap of moving to the city for a year, this is typically how the conversation proceeds:

Me: “I am moving to the city in May! I can’t wait for the exposure to things like music, culture, food, events!”

Doubting Person: “Wow, that’s going to be a really long commute. Do you know how long the commute is going to be? Pretty long, sometimes over an hour...”

A giggle always tickles my throat and I’d love to let it escape, but I don’t want to be rude. I want to laugh for a just a few reasons.

1. Yes, I know that the commute will be longer. Do people think I didn’t realize and consider that before committing to making the move? Yes, I am trying to ‘just leap’ more often, but it’s me, the girl who won’t buy a shirt on clearance for $6.00 unless I can reason in my mind, “How many times I can wear it? How many different ways can I wear it? How many pairs of pants will it match? Can it be worn throughout the year, or is it seasonal? Is it trendy or classic- will I be able to wear this for the next three years, or just this season? Do I have another shirt in my closet similar to this? Can I afford this?” Trust me, I’ve considered the commute! :)
2. Will I really allow myself to believe and accept the excuse of time for not doing what I want to do?

The last question makes me ponder, how often do we use time as an excuse, a reason, or as logic for not achieving our goals? There’s not enough time, I don’t have any time, I ran out of time, that’s too early, it’s too late, the timing’s just not right, I’m too old for that, I’m not old enough for that... They’re all right there, we use them all the time (pun intended). Is it a natural defense mechanism to make ourselves, our psyche, feel less disappointed in our failure to achieve what we set out to achieve? Is it the lazy man’s excuse for not having to work hard towards a goal?

I’m not sure. I don’t have the answer to those questions, but I do know that I am trying to use time as an excuse less often. I do know that when something within my control doesn’t come to fruition, time won’t be my first thought as to why it didn’t happen. My first thought will be, “How did I contribute to this failure?” and “How can I make this goal happen anyway?”

I’ve always wanted to live in the city- it’s one of my little life goals. I don’t want to be 60, thinking to myself, “I can’t believe I didn’t do something that I wanted because it would have taken an extra hour a day, sometimes an extra hour and a half. I can’t believe that I allowed time to dictate my behavior, rather than allowing my dreams to determine my future.”

I Remember Me

It seems to me that when we are prepared for every possible outcome, the situation we haven’t prepared for shows up uninvited. It also seems to me that we don’t turn to ourselves for navigating the situation, we turn to our preparations- you know, the ones that were intended for every other situation besides the one that we are experiencing? We’re boxed-in to a certain set of ideas rather than being tuned into ourselves.

Sometimes, looking before you leap halts your progress too. The “what ifs” come into focus. The “I can’t do thats,” “I might fail,” and “I’m not ready fors,” trick us into believing that who we are isn’t enough to handle all we want. Those around us send ominous reminders that there is a scary forest out there full of big bad wolves and roads less travelled.

When we look before we leap, our blind faith disappears. We place doubt on our abilities to navigate life, and place faith in our ability to plan for the unknown and listen to those who proclaim the unknown. We place faith in uncertainty rather than in what we know best- ourselves.

Do not allow faith to find itself in your ability to plan, in doubtful reminders. Allow faith- blind faith- to dig deep roots in the smallest space of all- the supporting voice of your inner-self.

If Baseball Were Like School

Every time you got up to bat, you’d get at least a base hit because strike-outs wouldn’t exist.

The game would be modified according to each player’s needs, so if you didn’t hit well, at minimum the first baseman would be removed, but in essence, all outfielders could be removed to make each player feel successful.

If you never showed up for practice, you would still play well in the game because coaches can make any player successful.

If you hit a single, but you wanted a double, you’d get to re-bat until you achieved your goal.

If someone caught the ball you hit, you’d re-bat and re-bat until you were successful.

If you missed an easy catch, you’d be excused from it and no one would hold it against you.

If you were on the field, not paying attention, and missed a major play, we wouldn’t blame you, we’d blame the coach for not being good enough.

The good players would be rewarded by sitting on the bench unchallenged and the not-so-good players would get all of the coach’s attention.

If you mom or dad disagreed with the coach’s decision, your mom or dad would win instead of being ejected from the game.

If Baseball were like School, no one would play...

There's Been A Change of Plans

There are many times in life when I’ve had to fully accept a notion and let it go at the same time. An ironic statement when you consider that we must allow an idea into our hearts just to release it moments later. Acceptance so one can release- a concept so easy to read, but so difficult to execute. It seems as if once an idea or ‘way of life’ has carved a nook into our hearts, we think of that residence as permanent- a home that cannot be moved. Do we as humans not travel? Live in different areas, apartments, houses, cities, countries? Why is it that the body can move with such ease from place to place, but the notions of life living in our hearts cannot?

I’ve recently realized a resident in my own heart that has since moved away- the idea of planning life. Life cannot be planned. Amidst meetings, conferences, plan times, and calendar dates, I’ve seen the destruction of a well-planned life. As a teacher, I needed to get certain chapters done by certain dates- it was planned, it was on my calendar! Did we get through the chapters? Absolutely. Did learning occur? Sure. However, if I had taken advantage of what was directly in front of me rather than focused on the dates directly ahead of me, life would have occurred, and isn’t that more relevant?

If Mondays are for meetings, Tuesdays are for duties, Wednesdays are for planning, Thursdays are for discussing, Fridays are for conferences, Saturdays are for gathering, and Sundays are for errands, what day is for life?

I’ve glanced at my calendar and my clock, and realize I’m not on track for my Narrative, and I am accepting of that because I’ve realized that’s why it’s called a deadline because with those, life cannot live.

A Year Ago Today

About a year ago today, I wrote in my diary (yes, I still keep a diary!), “It’s official, I am going to Africa. Everything is under way. I feel like I should be excited, but I am scared- like deeply frightened. The kind of fear where your ribs hug your lungs too tightly and you can’t get enough air.” And later, “What if this is the biggest mistake of my life? What if something happens? What if I get hurt? I just need to be fearless."

I can remember the “don’t-s” that others told me; the “Are you sure-s?” the “What about-s...” and “What if-s...” I can remember self-doubt, others adding cards to this deck and it doubling in size. I can remember the feeling, and I can remember it being nearly paralyzing. I can also remember realizing something else.

Fearless is not the absence of fear. Fearless is walking up to your trepidation, taking it by the hand and bringing it with you wherever you go. Fearless is not only the company of fear, but the welcome company of fear. When changes are coming or the unknown looms overhead, it is not only hope that we should bring with us, it is not only knowledge we should bring with us, it is fear. To face what can hold so many of us back, that is fearless. When fear is your best friend, that is fearless. When you stand on your tippy-toes to look fear in the eye and then laugh, you are fearless.

As lesson not yet fully digested as I entered the airport with my ribs choking my lungs again, but a lesson learned fully later because in all reality, we must face our fears, so we can make our fear...less.

And my last sentence from a year ago, which will never be old advice no matter how many years pass, “So I guess I’ll circle in all the hope that light brings in, but I’ll also keep in mind that darkness can bring good with it too.”

I’m out to go be fearless.

Things to Keep in Mind

As a teacher, I wear many hats. I am a teacher, a mother, a role model, an enemy, a friend, an innovator, a lie detector, a referee, an actor, a liar, a performer, an entertainer, a listener, a reporter, a comedian, an observer, a tracker, a babysitter, and many others (if I wanted to list them all, it would be the whole blog!)

Sometimes, though, to be so far involved in so many activities, I forget to remember. I was writing just the other day when I remembered to...well...remember. So for all the teachers out there- you may not agree with all of these reminders, but hopefully you'll find one that you can keep in the big, black school bag you lug around (full of papers, grading pens, and clips of course!) with you all week.

*Remember to keep the positive attitude that has gotten you much further than any previous negative one.

*Remember patience is key! You too were once an unknowing 13 year old and not an all knowing and experienced adult.

*Remember to find out the entire story before jumping to conclusions.

*Remember that they are just kids and it felt like it all flew by and went too fast, so let them be kids.

*Remember they have the rest of their lives to be adults, so let them relish in their childhood and garnish it with the immaturity and curiosity that so many of us adults forget to dine on daily.

*Remember the movie "Big" and its message- we all want to grow up and then we get there...

*Remember it's just middle school.

*Remember life is bigger and more important.

*Remember relationships matter. They will remember how you treated them and what you meant to them for much longer than they will remember when to use 'raise' and 'rise.'

*Remember how you make a child feel will effect their life and matter more than spelling "your" correctly.

*Remember who you are so they know who they can be.

*Remember what it was like to be 13 (everyone is watching you, it's always a big deal, etc.), remember that you were the same way, and let them be 13.

*Remember that you loudly sang lyrics to dirty songs that you had no idea were dirty lyrics.

*Remember that you laughed at 'gross' words (and sometimes still do).

*Remember that at 13 your life seemed impossibly busy and complicated, at 18 it seemed even more impossibly busy and complicated, and at 25 it got even worse. They are busy and their lives are complicated- it's just on a scale for a 13 year old.

*Remember you made poor choices too but you turned out just fine.

*Remember that as long as they learn something, you're doing your job.

*Think of what middle school teachers you remember and why you remember them and decided what you want to be remembered for.

No one said it would be easy, but a ton did say that it would be worth it. I'll back that statement up with gold.

Tickling My Nose

It's funny what hope does to us...or what hopes gives and takes from us. Sometimes it's just what you need and there right when you need it. Sometimes it's our Achilles' Heel that leaves us standing lonely and bewildered like a tricked child.

I think the most interesting aspect of hope is when it latches itself onto change. In some ways, hope for change is the blind leading the blind. Neither one of you knows what's coming, but you'll take each other there anyway.

I do think that your outlook on hope (especially when it's tagging along with change) reveals a lot about the roots of your personality. When change and hope show up at your front door, are you slamming the door shut because you don't invite hope in to help you see what could be? Are you opening the door a little too widely and letting hope into the dustiest corners of your house, leaving nothing to the imagination? For those with the positive outlook on life, your door is always open and hope is always welcome. For those with the negative outlook, hope probably walks right on by and knows not to try to sell its Girl Scout Cookies to your house.

Either way, change is going to show up time and time again- and usually as an uninvited guest- so what do you do with hope? Do you walk in the darkness with a grin on your face, relief in your heart, and hope laced between your fingers? Do you have a partner on the journey? Or, do you walk in the darkness with a furrowed brow, fear in your heart, and hope no where to be seen? Do you walk alone on your journey?

I've decided this. I am going to water my roots, keep them positive, and bring hope with me. Sometimes I might lose sight of it. Sometimes it will run away from me. Sometimes I'll really have to look hard for it. But, you want to know what- I know I'll never lose it, because I won't give up hope on finding it.